Hey there! First and foremost, thank you sincerely for taking the time out of your day to read this. The thought of anyone, whether it's a total stranger or a decade-long friend, deciding to go and see what I'm rambling on about, means a lot to me. As mentioned on the main page, I made this site as a means to get out whatever is on my mind, without the constraints, noise, and constant discourse of social media. I really appreciate it <3
This is... quite the solemn subject to start an entire blog off with, but hey, that's partially why I made this in the first place, right? I needed some space, so I made some of my own! And honestly, if you consistently find yourself in a situation like me, wandering aimlessly in the darker spaces of your own head, the least you can do is find a quieter place to serve as an outlet for your frustrations, so that they aren't instantly drowned out by unnecessary noise. The way I look at it, if you're gonna scream into the void, let it be one of your own choosing. Things such as vent accounts on Twitter do nothing but drown your voice in a sea of a million others, with a neverending torrent of random, procedurally curated content meant to keep you (and every other user) constantly engaged to drive up revenue. The result? Few people even see what you say, even fewer will care. Besides, the relentless flow of content after a while is at best mind-numbing, and at worst, habit-forming in the worst way possible.
tl;dr: Try blogging. At least once. Doesn't have to be well-written, just enough to take some weight off your shoulders. Ask me for some resources if you want.
Alrighty, I've veered far enough off-subject as it is. But you don't mind, right? I feel like you wouldn't have read this far otherwise. That aside, let's get to the main point.
Needless to say, if you've known me, chances are you've expressed concern for my wellbeing. And if I were to take myself out of my own shoes for a second, it's clear to see why. I won't get into too much detail, as the point of this is to alleviate these feelings rather than resurface them, but I've done my fair share of "screaming into the void" on Twitter (huge mistake). But in particular, I'd found myself asking, "how much am I willing to put myself through until I begin to see brighter days?" That might simply be me trying to figure out how much of my own emotional turmoil is my own doing, subsequently overthinking it all, but either way, I just try to keep all of those doors shut by saying something along the lines of "things'll get better eventually." But does this justify an overall lack of action to improve my own wellbeing? Am I doing my absolute best to make my newfound adult life work? Am I even trying?
As is the case for an ever-increasing amount of people in my generation, (roughly 5% of the U.S. population has a case of seasonal depression, many of which are 20-30 years of age) winter is never a good time for me. This is not me trying to self-diagnose, but rather outline a likely possibility based on my mood and behavior these last couple winters. For starters, it's the least active time of the year, meaning more time cooped up in my apartment, and therefore in my own headspace. Secondly, winter has consistently been the time of year in which I have experienced some of the worst events of my entire life, forever leaving a face-wrinkling, sour taste in my mouth whenever the clouds roll in. Speaking of that, the clouds! They're seemingly neverending!! Every single day, from late November to February, starts and ends nearly the same way; grey and soulless, topped with a cold air that bites at your psyche as much as it does your skin. To this day, I cannot understand how anyone can like such a climate, but more power to them. Seriously, tell me what you do to NOT feel like shit when there's nothing do.
You know that feeling of repetition you sometimes get in your everyday life? Like you blink and a whole week passes by? Day in and day out, you stick to routine, so much so that it's damn near muscle memory (including the thought processes that make it all happen, the brain is a muscle after all) and you just chug along like it's nothing. Because once you do the same exact thing for long enough, that's what it might as well just be, nothing. In my case, I wake up first thing at 6:45 AM, hurriedly make myself a cup of coffee, and I'm well out the door by no later than 7:10 to catch my first bus. Yeah, my first out of two buses that take me through the far corners of Allegheny County, to ensure that I make it to my workplace to start my shift at 9:25. Mind you, with a car, this would be a mere 30 minute drive. To the average person, (my coworkers, at least) this would be unbearable. I get told all the time that they couldn't imagine such a commute, but to me? It's just my morning routine. However, the only reason I'm willing to put up with such a routine, is because my newfound life here in Pittsburgh will be a LOT easier once I can get myself another car. Hence, it'll get better with time.
Now, what do these disjointed, random, very loosely related things have to do with each other? It's hard to explain, but I feel I have this habit of putting myself through relatively unorthodox situations for a variety of reasons, usually in an attempt to stockpile resources (in the aforementioned case, money for my own set of wheels). in result, whether intentionally or not, I condition myself to get used to these situations, so that I avoid spending too much. Why order a Lyft to work everyday when $90 a month will get me there the same exact way? Combine this self-conditioning with a consistent state of autopilot, and you get a lot of time, WAY too much time in my own head. More than ever I have begun to isolate myself emotionally, earbuds practically glued in from the point I hop on board, to the moment I clock in. Isn't it ironic how any attempts to block out noise simply lead to more noise? Case in point, I rarely talk to any of my fellow riders, and if I do it's usually a quick one-sentence exchange. More often than I'd like to admit, my time spent dead silent, blankly staring out the window, is spent severely overthinking everything. From the small talk I made with the guy in Walmart, to my life decisions, to my amibitions (or lack thereof). In a situation where I feel I'm about ready to fall apart at the sheer velocity of my own spiralling, my failsafe, every single time, kicks in;
"Cut it out. It's winter. You're going through it right now. Most of this is in your head. It'll get better in due time."
In conclusion, I believe the biggest questions I'm asking myself after all of this are, "How much of this is me just creating a whirlwind around me when everything else is at peace? How much of this is simply me distracting myself from taking action to actually better my own life? Am I trying too hard?" At the very least, I can say that I'm taking small steps to reduce the noise inside and out. As I mentioned firstly, I've made an effort to cut back on the vast majority of centralized social media. I'm building myself a habit of leaving as little stimuli in my surroundings as possible to readjust my attention span (Believe it or not, all those Instagram and TikTok reels while running YouTube in the background can fuck you up, even if it might not be obvious). I've been reading more books than ever, thanks to the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh for having a wealth of information on nearly any given subject. As the weather gets warmer around here, I'm trying to get out more just for the hell of it. I just moved to Pittsburgh last October, I still have the likes of Frick Park and the Carnegie Science Center (THAT WILL BE ITS FOREVER NAME, NOT WHATEVER BULLSHIT NAME THEY'RE GIVING IT NOW) to check out. A whole city is literally right before me!
Once this is all said and done, spring rolls around, maybe things will truly be better with time. Frankly, one of my greatest insecurities as of late is having no career path or general direction I want to go in. And yeah, I get it, you don't have to have it all figured out by your early 20s, but my point is that I have nothing figured out. But hey, maybe it will all unravel itself as I go along. As long as I don't stand in one place waiting for an opportunity to present itself, as long as I keep moving in some direction, any direction. Maybe then, with time, things will be indeed be better. Just try not to think about it too much. One day at a time.
A few words before I end this off:
First off, if you've read this far, I truly appreciate it. I understand the vast majority of this is likely very fragmented and amateurish, but we all gotta start somewhere, right? With enough time and refinement, I should have a more solidified format, more coherent paragraphing, a strict essay format, all that good stuff. Or maybe I'll change it up depending on how I'm feeling, who knows? Frankly, it feels very odd typing out proper sentences like this. i know you're all used to me typing in all lowercase like this
Take care, and I love you all <3
-Zeke